In spite of it's title, "The Real 13th Step" is on a path whose traffic is not restricted to the addicted, but to many others who, as a result of childhood experiences, have not grown, nor grown up, in a manner which offers the best chance at contentment, or ultimate happiness. Though substance abuse might be the ultimate response to abusive childhoods, the fact is that many of the abused are not addicted to substances at all, but, rather, to behaviors which might, almost as effectively, cut them off from loving relationships, or from success in other life "tasks".

Dr. Tessina cites many examples of this type of behavior. Explaining, as an instance, that "children begin their first autonomous adventures into the world while. . .they are particularly vulnerable to the negative, critical, or fearful parental reactions." At this stage, the child has no capacity to think critically, to examine the reaction and, possibly, to see it as wrong. The result? Toxic shame: the child is unable to distinguish between "doing something wrong (making a mistake) and being something wrong (a bad child). . . Contempt for your own existence is, perhaps, the single most destructive feeling you can have about yourself, because it makes you feel unworthy to cope. . . and completely dependent on the effects and opinions of others."

Besides explaining, there is doing: a series of self-tests and exercises takes the reader through the process of re-imagining and re-constructing this childhood self.

There is a great deal of information in this work. For anyone who has grown up within a dysfunctional family, it is exceedingly valuable. And not for the substance-addicted alone.

If you desire real independence, help finding solutions to problems and managing failure- this is a must-read book. The author, a licensed marriage & family therapist with 25 years experience, provides evidence that some people are not born with addictive personalities and provides a model for moving beyond the dependency of a 12 step addiction program. Within these enlightening, uplifting pages are professional guidelines for anyone, struggling with addiction or not, wanting to find a true inner purpose, more self-confidence and self-reliance for rewarding, autonomous living.

Addiction is a word that sends shivers through us! Whether the addiction is to alcohol, drugs, an eating disorder or obsessive/compulsive behavior, addiction takes its toll on our freedom, self-confidence, and self-reliance. Until recently, the best treatment has been the A.A. 12-step program.
Psychotherapist Tina Tessina improved on that program with the publication of The Real 13th Step ten years ago. Now, her revised edition amplifies the latest research on addiction and helps people in recovery beyond what is not covered in the A.A. program. You see, while the Alcoholics Anonymous program has done a tremendous amount of good to help people free themselves from addiction, in doing so it teaches its membership that they are one drink away from total relapse. This can undermine one's self-esteem, inhibit outside activity and perhaps create an addiction to the program.
The Real 13th Step shows us the means to growth beyond recovery "...that transcends any permanent dependency on the program to keep them free from addiction." Certainly Dr. Tessina holds the A.A. program in high esteem, but at the same time, shows the reader that there is life beyond the group and beyond recovery. And that life includes growth, accomplishment and achievement. Through the step-by-step, therapy-tested exercises and guidelines in her book, Dr. Tina Tessina opens the door to autonomy and lasting recovery from patterns of dependency. In this reviewer's opinion, The Real 13th Step is a must-read for an anyone in an addiction program---or anyone seeking assertiveness; lacking self-confidence; or fearful of confrontation!

I found this book after making a terrible mistake in my marriage. The next day. I read it in a couple of hours, and the ideas helped me keep my marriage together and healthier for two more years. I cry a bit every time I read the introductions. I try to give this book to every person I want to spend time with. And also those entering into a new relationship.

I reccomend it highly for teenagers, new lovers, old lovers, just about everybody.

Dave

Followup to the new 3rd Edition, released Early 2002
Sigh;
The new edition really wants a new title. Part 2 of 2. Something to let people know that it really looks different. Missing all my favourite bits. Still a fine book, but definitely not the first book I would give to people. The 1st and 2nd editions are essential to appreciating the 3rd in my opinion.
I have been buying copies of earlier editions to give out to friends. Third edition in reserve for later dispersal.

David

Most people do things for their loved ones that reflect how they want to be treated. But the Platinum Rule is: Do unto others as they would wish you did unto them. And there is no better way to explore each other's needs than to follow the journaling suggestions in this book. Together, you can find ways to show love that becomes a synthesis of your individual styles. Or it can be useful in a onesided relationship to help understand the other person enough and become more creative in bringing about a more mutually satisfying situation.

This is a must-read book, especially if you're over 40 or dreading turning 40. Dr. Tessina helped me see that reaching this milestone age is actually an opportunity for a new beginning by viewing life from a new prospective. "The Ten Smartest ecisions A Woman Can Make After Forty" is a most inte guide and handbook for getting the most out of the second part of one's life because Tessina turns her atto the special challenges and opportunities available to women over 40. She believes that by grabbing the reins and taking back control of you'll remove the fear that comes with passing forty and then on a new vista of freedom and opportunity for yourself. After reading this book over and overagain, I can confirm that all women, whether you're just approaching 40, recently turned forty, or have been 39 for years, will find this practicial and informative book filled with mapping options and outlining strategies for taking control of one's life. I can't wait to read her other books because this one is so terrific.

I just turned 40, so with this title I had to read this! I liked that the book focuses on what you can do rather than where you may have gone wrong. The author rightfully stresses that the decisions we make directly affect the quality of our lives, and encourages us to reevaluate our choices according to what we now know. Her advice is both useful and empowering. This is a great gift for anyone facing 40!

Tessina tells you exactly how to pull the pieces of your life together the way YOU want them to be. Whether you're a touch over 40 or in your 60s,helpful guidelines explain how to make the hard decisions women face--be they about your health, your friends, finances, your values or your responsibilities. The advice on how to research and think through life changes is most valuable for executing personal decisions and achieving your dreams. She's given me the tools and confidence to go after my dreams. The book energizes you and will alter how you think about yourself and the direction of your life-all for the better.

I'm well past 40 but I still have trouble making decisions and looked at this book partly to see if it would be helpful for my daughter, who also has trouble making decisions. This is straightforward advice about how (in arriving at life decisions) to sort out your gut feelings, what other people expect of you, what's practical, and what you can live with -- with a useful section on how to be your own good boss instead of your own bad boss. Coming from the publishers of the Chicken Soup books , I am surprised to find something so immensely level-headed. I'm sending my copy to my daughter.

In reading this book, I have become more responsible and self assured. The exercises that Tessina has included in this book are just wonderful. I kept a pencil handy while I was reading the book and there notes everywhere! I go back through those notes from time to time to refresh myself. I have since lent my copy to several friends. I am sure it will help them too. I highly recommend this book to young women! Also, even though it is geared towards women, the ideas can apply for men also.

I've just started reading this book. The advice is so good and full of such common sense that my reaction has been, "Well, of course. Why didn't I think of that!" I have no doubt that this book will be a part of the changes I am making in my life. I'ved got 4 1/2 years to go 'til I'm 40, and making the best decisions I can in that time will serve me well for all the rest of my years.

I haven't dated in over 10 years, so needless to say, I'm rusty! I thought maybe this book could get me back into the swing of things. There wasn't much to get me going. It was all too much common sense. I already knowhow to dress the part. I already know how to act like a gentleman when I'm around a woman. And, I already know where to find a woman to ask for a date. They are all over the place, and this book gives a list of places on where to meet them??? Ho hum! It has some good tips to use, but not enough in my particular case. I'm rusty, but not that rusty! This would be a very good book for the younger man and woman who are just getting into dating.

I was looking for some "official" advice for a friend of ours (hi, Jeff!) who is seeking a new partner but whose confidence has been badly shattered by what he thinks of as "failures" in his love life. Tessina's book says everything I've been trying to tell him and more: how to start over, keeping your expectations reasonable, how important it is to work out the old baggage BEFORE you start a new relationship, etc. Plus such priceless insight as the impossibility of truly changing another person all by yourself. The section on modern dating etiquette could be quite helpful, too, to anyone who's been out of circulation for some time. Very sane, comforting, clear, and, jargon-free. (Susan K. Perry, author of WRITING IN FLOW)

After scanning plenty of books on this and related subjects, it was a relief to find this one. She speaks directly to the topic of returning to the world of dating after a substantial loss in one's life. Free of jargon, babble, and exclamation points, it goes right to the major points to consider when re-entering the world of singles. Invaluable. Concrete, well-laid out, speaks to my issues and maybe to yours.

This is a great workbook for people in relationships. It's a workbook that helps couples to work out their differences in a positive way. It is not filled with obvious answers or pat advice, but instead guides a couple through argument "techniques" designed to increase communication and decrease strife. I highly reccomend it to all couples.