In this book, the author shows the stages in the growth of male depression and how they manifest themselves in his behavior. The cause, he argues, is the many ways society "coerces" and bullies a boy into the traditional and stereotypical version of manhood, with its relentless emphasis on violence and walling himself off from emotions, both his and others. He points out that the stereotype defines how therapists treat male depression--i.e., that it's not really true--whereas the female stereotype (caring, nurturing, relational) dictates the great attention and help provided depressed women.

Unfortunately, Real implies that hidden and denied depression is the source of all male problems--violence, alcoholism, drug addition, etc.--which detracts slightly from an otherwise valuable and moving book, but not enough to say 'don't take seriously.' Revealing his own troubled childhood in the hands of his brutal father and how he, despite knowing better, visits passive abuse upon his own son gives what he says great validity.

For a woman who grew up with a neglectful and emotionally unavailable father and married a couple of others--what else?--this book was an eye opener.

I wish as many men as women would read this book, as well as the recently published Male Menopause. After years of books about how women develop, we're just now seeing a small swell of books about men. I hope the swell grows into a large tide. It's long overdue.

"I Just Don't Want to Talk About It" by Terrence
Real may just save my marriage and give me
back the man I married 33 years ago. As I read
this book, I cried. My husband and I were on
every page. Finally, I understand the hell
we've been living in for so long. A psychotherapist for twenty
years, author Terrence Real exposes the pain
the isolation, the workaholism,the disconnection
that signal covert male depression.
He is conservative in his estimates. I would say
most men suffer from depression at some point in their lives.
And they suffer longer because they have been
taught to repress, to deny. Thank you, Terry.
I'm bringing your book to our next counseling session.
We may live happily ever after, after all.

This book offers an amazing amount of valuable information in a clear, concise, approachable format. Terrence Real covers such topics as, why men don't know that they're depressed, how depression is often rooted in childhood experiences, how the myth of masculinity plays a role in the development of depression, how men use various addictions (chemical and non-chemical) to keep their depression at bay, how boys' socialization produces disconnection, and how to repair depression by learning to reparent the self, face vulnerabilities, confront the past, release trauma and shame, rewrite ones story, and use imaginative work to form a relationship with the immature parts of the self, while strengthening the "functional adult" parts of the self. Real uses references to popular movies and books, as well as clinical and personal examples, to add depth and clarity. He seems to approach the topic with a wide-angle lens that suggests a thoroughness to his research on the topic. I highly recommend this book.

I have been looking for this book for the longest time. There are so many other "relationship quick fix" books out there that I didn't even know where to begin. After picking up Mr. Real's book I realized that a 'quick fix' may not be what I need. He explains all about where we are coming from emotionally, where we need to get to emotionally and the background info we need to grow a healthy relationship - It certainly explained a lot! I always joked that perhaps I wasn't speaking loudly enough when my longterm boyfriend wasn't listening - we really just weren't connecting. Terrence Real helped us to get started in the right direction and to continue that way. This is an amazing book that can help any couple!

This book is not to be missed. It is a breakthrough, not the usual pablum, self-help, instant fix.
I thought loneliness between partners was inevitable after a few years of marriage and I should just get over the loss.

I have changed my mind after reading this book. Being in relationship, deeply connecting through the years is absolutely possible. I believe in my bones that this book offers deep and true insights. It is groundbreaking. It describes the subtle detail of what men do, don't do and need to do, what women do, don't do and need to do, what is poison, and what works. It is clear and straight; it pulls no punches. The case studies are so real - often heartbreaking. Without a doubt Terry Real has been to hell and back with his clients. He knows how to break through our cultural myths, common assumptions, and deep fears. Don't miss this book if you are in a relationship or coach people in relationships and if you want to understand and heal the male/female chasm. This book teaches the finest points about love.

If you are want to save your relationship, or be a powerful couples therapist, read Terrence Real's revolutionary new book How Can I Get Through to You? It is SINGULARLY the wisest, most poetic, book I've ever read about the problems facing couples today. In the clinical setting, I recommend it to every couple who walks through my door, and I enjoy watching the proverbial light bulbs go off as couple begin to see light where previously it was dark. At home, I utilize Real's wisdom daily in my relationship, and both of us are exponentially happier and more fulfilled.

Terrence Real has the skill, and the courage, to look our cultural and therapeutic paradigms in the eye, while turning them on their heads. While most conventional therapies are useful, they are limited in scope. Real's work offers fresh insight to couples and clinicians working with couples, and expands the horizons of the struggles couples face to include the cultural context. By suggesting that intimacy is a daily practice Real empowers couples to live in truth and integrity - and he demands that clinicians do the same. If you read one book this year on couples, make it this one. Not only will it help you navigate your personal, or clinical, world with dignity and joy - it will change your life.