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This book deals with the essential dilemma of communicating about unpleasant issues. The Harvard Negotiation Project's Doug Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen create an analytical framework by pointing out that each difficult conversation has three components: the factual narrative (least important), or the "What Happened?" Conversation, the Feelings Conversation, and the Identity Conversation. How each person perceives the Three Conversations will affect the course of the conversation. Insight after insight about how to turn a difficult conversation into a Learning Conversation unfold in this very solid book.
I liked this book so much I bought a personal copy (now battered) after reading our public library's copy. Anyone who deals with clients, customers, friends or family can benefit from the structures in this book.
Heen, Stone, and Patton share insights on how to get past arguments of right versus wrong, blame versus defend, and other obstacles to effectively dealing with our differences. The framework is simple and elegant, while at the same time explored with remarkable depth and breadth.
There's a wonderful story about a student and his Aikido master. Watching his teacher demonstrate a technique, the student said, "Master - what amazes me is that you never lose your balance". The master replied, "You are wrong. I always lose my balance. The secret is that I regain my balance faster." Difficult Conversations has done exactly that for me. I've discovered ways to regain my balance when it comes to difficult conversations, faster.
My copy is tattered and highlighted more than any of the recent books I've read. I found that it got even better with each chapter. The last half of the book was especially good. When it all came together at the end (the last chapter is excellent), I closed the book, thought about what I had just read, and began reading it all over again.
Why not have more of a good thing? Like going for seconds.
I was pleased to find that I had misjudged the authors. Reading this book and truly incorporating its advice and philosophies can be a life-changing experience. The content here goes beyond technique and finds firm ground (surprisingly) in speaking about inner issues that arise during difficult conversations -- and it manages to do so without coming off as didactic or flakey. In fact, I would have to say that this is the first "self-help" book that didn't make me a little squirmy and rebellious -- I soaked up the information and found myself relying on the content in real life on a daily basis, and right away.
I also have found myself evangelizing the book to a great extent, and have recommended it to friends I know who are having difficulty with family members, bosses, their children their neighbors -- as well as to a number of my clients who have expressed difficulty in managing up and/or down.
There's something of value for just about anyone here -- even if you are already well-versed in communication and negotiation skills.
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Fisher's writing is easy and enjoyable. The subject may sound dull: ``Steel''. Yet Fisher makes it extremely interesting.
There's something in this book for everyone. Including fans of that famous union-busting library-building steel baron, Andy Carnegie. Pittsburghers should definitely read this. (BTW, if you're a Pittsburgher, the Penn Hills library has a copy.)