This is a wonderful book, written for both men and women to read. It succinctly puts into words ideas that many women continue to struggle with about their identity. It also points out that many men haven't a clue of the fundamental psyche of women.

I believe that in reading this book, many readers will truly realize how powerful women can be, and how much better our relationships with men will be, because this book explodes dependency myths.

My favorite passages in this book are:

"Women help perpetuate the myth of the strong man, for if there is a strong man a woman can imagine that she is safe, that she is being cared for and looked after."

"Because women unconsciously do not expect satisfactory emotional nurturance and understanding from their partners, men's inadequacy in giving this nurturance is to some extent accepted and even anticipate by women."

"When women do express their needs, it often comes out as a criticism. When a woman experiences disappointments as a result of the emotional attention and care she so desperately wants, there is a buildup of emotional upset, because while she may expect that she won't get it, she still feels such great need. The woman may declare that she doesn't feel happy in the relationship, that he doesn't give enough emotionally, and so on. He wants her to be more specific, because he doesn't know what she's talking about. He responds to the criticism with anger, which frightens her. She finds it hard to be more specific. She wonders why he doesn't know what she means."

"The psychological fit is that the woman feels her needs are too great, and so the defenses that the man has constructed against his own feelings of inadequacy in the arena of emotional nurturance, seem necessary because of what appears to be the woman's insatiability."

"Men look to sex as a way to affirm their identity as well as a means to contact. Women often trade sex as though it were a commodity in their search for security, warmth, affection, love, and economic protection."

"She told him he didn't need to have answers or interpretations, but that she would appreciate a hug and some questions. She'd like him to try and get into her shoes just for a minute to see what she was feeling and then step out of them and relate to her with tenderness and understanding."

When you, male or female, really pay close attention to each of the above quotes, and think about your experiences, you are free to get what you are really looking for in your relationship.

This is, by far, the best, most informative book I've read in a very long time. Intelligently and clearly written, WHAT DO WOMEN WANT exposes the way society shapes our roles as women and men. It's categorized as a "women's studies" book, but it could just as easily be in the psychology/self-help section (if Berkeley Books ever reads this--please put it in psychology!). Here, at last, is a book which is able to EXPLAIN why men and women have intimacy problems, sexual hang-ups, control issues, dependency problems. While the focus would seem to be on women and the source of their dependency issues, the book also explores the matter from the man's point of view in a way that is both respectful and enlightening. This isn't a male-bashing book; rather, it is a thorough look at the history and societal forces which shape us as men and women--and which create the misunderstandings and relationship problems that ultimately lead couples to divorce courts or marriage counselers. Throughout the book, we're given examples of couples whom the authors had counseled. We get, firsthand, an entire range of intimacy problems from the points of view of real men and women. Their stories are then illuminated by the authors in terms of gender roles and expectations. What I particularly like is the last section, "New Directions," which offers concrete ways that men and women can begin to face our vulnerabilities and foster the intimacy and connections that we so crave. I would recommend this book to anyone interested in understanding how the dynamics of gender roles play out in their own relationships. Do you want to feel more connected to others? Do you want to learn how to communicate more with your mate? Do you want to know how your own upbringing (the dysfunction in it) affects your approach to yourself, your body, men, sex, relationships, etc.? Then this book is for you. I'm amazed that this book hasn't done better than the Harriet Lerner books (Dance of Deception, etc.), because it's so much more well organized, useful, well written, informative. I'd encourage the authors to get this book over into the psychology section of the book stores! It deserves more notice.

I have been trying to get hold of ANY of Ms Valins books for over a year and a half,does ANYONE know where I can obtain them? I live in Japan and cannot get treatment for this "illness", it has lead to bouts of depression. Please advise me on how to obtain any of her material. Thank-you, from one woman to another.

EARLY CHILDHOOD EXPIERENCES CAN AFFECT YOUR LIFE FOREVER IF YOU DO NOT SEEK INFORMATION AND GET HELP.

This specific book is out of print, but was re-released as "Between Women Love, Envy, and Competition in Women's Friendships". By Luise Eichenbaum and Susie Orbach Viking Penguin Books 1988

This is the definitive book on vaginismus from a woman who has had it. Linda Valins traces her own path to discovering what vaginismus is (like so many others, doctors just sent her home without giving her the name of the condition, so she could not seek adequate treatment for it.) It includes her thoughts and feelings on the topic and her path to finding a cure for herself.

I first read a similar book by Evelyn Tribole called "Intuitive Eating". Both of these books approach weight loss the same way - figure out why you are eating, and then work at it from a psychological approach, rather than going on a specific diet.

What I like about Evelyn's book is that it is for the individual to do by herself, whereas Susan's book is more for a group therapy approach. She also has some other interesting reasons about why I might be overweight, which made for very interesting reading.

However, between the two books, I preferred Evelyn's because it gave more specific information to work with and let me do it by myself, rather than a full support group (as a stay-at-home mom with a 3-year-old, very important).

I did appreciate both books though, because they emphasized the same thing - the overeating is not because of lack of willpower, but because of psychological reasons - and that makes lots of sense to me.

I first read this book in 1978. And I'm so happy to have read this a few times more.

One of the most valuable questions that Susie Orbach asks is, "How will I be who I wish to be, if I look as I am supposed to look?" I suggest that when you ask this question, do so with the intention of envisioning an answer that works well for you, regardless of what you have seen, "out there." This is a question allows women to take ownership of their mind, body and soul.

Each year, I interview high school students, regarding their eating and body image beliefs. And I have seen a growing problem. By this time in their lives, both women and men now, get so caught up in an imaged protrayed by all forms of the media, that we can lose sight of who we are really meant to be.

The reasons for the problem have a long history with women, and a different reason for women than men. As men are complimented more on how they look, not as a means to flirt with them, but as a measurement of having what it takes, they are being pushed into some of the body image issues that women have a long history with.

This is also an excellent question to ask myself, in times when normally I might doubt my eating choices, my beauty, my being enough, or how my ability to be open to others, and still have boundaries in place.

I am eternally grateful for this book. Three excellent follow up books to this book, are, "My Mother Myself," by Nancy Friday," "Fat and Furious," by Judi Hollis, then "Overcoming Overeating," by Carol Munter and Jane Hirschmann.

Fat is a Feminist Issue is one of the few books on weight that deals in reality, the reality that our bodies vary, rather than encouraging us to conform to cultural values. It's also one of the few that recognizes fat can serve a positive function in one's life (even though this positive may be overbalanced by negatives). An excellent "companion volume" to FIAFI is Jean Antonello's How To Become Naturally Thin by Eating More - Antonello tells us WHY the Fat is a Feminist Issue philosophy works for many women to help them lose weight.

Even better is Antonello's more current volume, Breaking Out of Food Jail: How to Free Yourself from Diets and Problem Eating, Once and For All. Food Jail gets more into the psychological aspects of why it can be difficult to lose weight, and is more balanced that either her first or FIAFI. But either of Antonello's books fill that gap that is FIAFI's one real flaw - FIAFI doesn't deal with improving the diet. Eating normally in terms of eating to appetite works fine for some, but some of us need to eat a better diet in order to make our bodies release fat. Antonello discusses that, FIAFI doesn't.

OTOH, FIAFI deals with the idea that some of us like our fat, that some women feel like they're losing protection in losing weight, a concept Antonello completely misses. FIAFI deals in a broader spectrum of women's experiences.

It wasn't the scholarly piece of work I was looking for. Freud and Feminism just don't mix for me - but it seems to work for her.

In "The Impossibility of Sex," Susie Orbach relates several fictional tales of psychotherapy. Unfortunately, this is very poor fiction indeed. The greatest flaw of the stories in this book as *stories* is that they are too sterile. Orbach dutifully reports on the events of her fictional patients' lives, yet somehow we don't really get to know these patients, or really to care about them. That's probably because all she does is *tell* us about them. There is very little dialogue in the book; the patients almost never speak for themselves. The book consists of approximately 200 pages of the authors inner reflections. Admittedly, the author's express purpose in writing the book was to give patients insight into the therapist's thought processes. Unfortunately, without a little action and dialogue to accompany those processes, they make extremely dull reading.

Furthermore, the book misses its target audience. As I've already said, the author intended this book primarily for patients -- that is, consumers of mental health care services. However, I don't think it will be a very satisfying or interesting book for that audience. Ms. Orbach claims that the book will provide insight into the thoughts of the therapist during therapy. Perhaps it does, but most of the thoughts revealed are of an academic or theoretical nature, and not of the human, emotional sort that most patient-readers are probably looking for. Unfortunately, these academic and theoretical insights will be too elementary for most academic and professional readers, leaving this book with a very small audience, if any.

Readers looking for fictional and/or fictionalized accounts of therapy that depict the therapist as a human being would be far better off reading the works of Irvin Yalom (especially "Lying on the Couch", a novel), Samuel Shem ("Fine", "Mount Misery"), or Allen Wheelis ("Doctor of Desire").

Speaking as someone who has interest in psychology, and is considering making a career change into that field, I was terribly disappointed with this book. The whole idea behind me reading this book was to get more general information regarding psychology so that I could make a better informed decision regarding whether or not a career in that field would be for me. Unfortunately, most of the book was WAY over my head. Orbach could be totally full of it and I wouldn't even know better. While the majority of the book was indecipherable to me, the parts that dealt with the actual interactions between therapist and patient did make for somewhat interesting, if uneducational, reading. Someone with a degree in psychology might get something out of this book, but I didn't. The worst part of it all, as has been explained in other reviews here, is that at the end of the book, Orbach explains that everything in it is fictional. This, in my opinion, made the book truly worthless, realizing that with an entirely fictional account, she could make the patient do whatever she wanted, which would make everything too easy for her. Everything ends up too neat and tidy, and I suspect that in real life, such things are very rarely that simple.